[REDACTED] GROUP
Detailed Job Description ? Office Assistant/Mail Dispatcher.
[Redacted] Group is a small company with fast development and growth. We are previously based in USA in 1993 before moving to United Kingdom but due to the High Tax here and Rapid Improvement, We decided to operate a branch in 5 states again so we are hiring people to work in our Warehouse but primary work start with this.
The primary goal of the position is to provide local customer support to our clients within America. This includes providing convenient payment options and informing them of shipping and the terms of sale. You will be assisting our clients within America, the assistance to be provided will include: Mail Sorting, Mail Dispatching and You Will be Receiving Our Company Catalogs in Bulk and dispatch them in the state via post which is already paid for. We need your assistant to help notify the public we are back in New York and Duty Also includes Distribution of Hand Bills. Based on your performance, We will be hiring you to work in our Warehouse as head of Operation.
The Catalogs and Hand Bills will be sent to you in Bulk of Hundreds and we will also include the Company Name and Address which you will re forward them to and we will provide you our Company Fedex or UPS Account Number for sending them out so the sending bills will be charged to us.
- Correspondence
You will be submitting brief reports, weekly reports, and monthly reports. Weekly and monthly reports are to be done in Excel format and are to summarize all mails completed within the weeks. You are to do this for just one month before we can hire you to work as head of operation in our Warehouse and its based on your performance.
-Salary
During the trial period, you will be paid $1,300 USD for a month while working on average 3hours per day. After the trial period your base pay salary will go up to 2,650 USD per month, plus transportation allowance.
-Taxes
You will receive a monthly invoice stating your total income. All applicable taxes are covered by the company.
- To Apply
Kindly fill out your personal information below for immediate consideration of this position so you can get started as soon as possible
Personal Information
First Name:
Last Name:
Address(Not P.O BOX): (Include Apt # If Available)
City:
State:
Zip Code:
Residential Phone Number:
Mobile:
Age:
Email Address:
Thanks
Derpy McDoucheNugget
867-5309
Wow, huh?
Here’s my actual reply:
I mean… this doesn’t…lolare you fucking kidding me?
I didn’t point out that all the information this “company” requires from me, save my exact age, is all available on my resume’s header. DEEERP.
Sometimes…
E-Cyrano De Bergerac wanted (Anywhere)
I’ll explain an *analog* to my problem first:
Let’s say I need to hire a CFO for my company. This is an important position, and this person will be with me for a long time - so I hire several people to help me recruit. I have someone collecting resumes, performing phone/email interviews, and eventually scheduling in-person interviews. Since hiring the wrong person is so expensive, I setup several interviews per day, as I want to make sure my search is as exhaustive. And usually, I get a second or third opinion before giving an offer.
Now, why do I work so hard when it comes to hiring a CFO of my business, but when it comes to finding the perfect girlfriend, I leave it almost entirely to chance?
Now, as far as my online dating profile goes - I have over 50 messages in my inbox, and I’ve just been too busy to be able to respond. Assuming you’re a decent writer, are organized, and can be highly selective - I would pay you $15/hr to manage my online profile and schedule in-person meetings for me. It will be fun, will provide both you and me some real value, and you can work nights & weekends.
Telecommuting is ok
I mean… part of me wants to apply, and then reply to all 50 of those messages, “Show me your tits lol”—if I got the job, of course.
Adminstrative Assistant (LIC- Astoria)
Healthcare Staffing agency is looking for a new college grad eager to learn all aspects of staffing and placement of rehab professionals. This full time position is an excellent opportunity for a new grad and start to build a career, not just a job! Benefits are offered after 90 days. Microsoft Office experience a must! Please send covera letter with Salary Requirement and your resume.
- Location: LIC- Astoria
- Compensation: Experience
Compensation: Experience?
How about fuck you. How’s that for a “covera” letter?
Admin Pos. Avl for Immeidate Hire (Full Time)
Job Description/Tasks
- Answering High Volume Phones
- Schedule Appointments
- communicate effectively with staff, other vendors, clients, etc
- speaks well
- computer literate
- quick learner w/attention to detail
- trustworthy (ability to work independently)
- team player (great working enviorment w/friendly co-workers)
- book incoming jobs
- Filing
- Must be able to work nights and weekends (on a rotating scheduled basis)
Fantastic opportunity for someone looking for a solid full time home for employment.
Dear Hiring Manager:
Please hire me immeidately so I can work in your great enviorment and give up my nights and weekends. I’d like to sweeten the deal by offering to you my first born and also my soul.
Thakn your,
Me
Part-time editor, gal-Friday
Please be near Greenwich, CT. This is a low-paying job but it is all I can afford to pay - sorry. It pays 12.50 an hour and the hours will range from 20 to 50 hours a week. The best thing about it is that the time is flexible. You can work nights and weekends if you’d like. Some of the work can be done from home. This is a good job for someone who is working elsewhere or looking for a dream job.
Writer needs assistant to help with paperwok and editing. Organizing. Please have a can-do attitude, be computer literate, trustworthy, responsible and dedicated. Attention to detail is crucial. Please don’t be a drama-queen or constantly texting.
Responsibilities include phone calls, computer data entry, email correspondence, internet research, arrange book signings .
Must have strong typing skills and working knowledge of MS Excel, and Word.
Dear Hiring Manager:
I’m not near Greenwich… at least not close enough to warrant a 50-hour work week. I appreciate your kindness in being open to having me work nights and weekends. My dream job happens to be office lackey during my free time, while I apparently hold down another job during… what’s that called? Oh, yes! WORKING HOURS!
I never text, and I’ll be far too busy for any drama queening.
Thanks for your consideration.
Best,
Me
Freelance Copy Editor
Date: 2011-06-15, 2:06PM EDT
Location: Manhattan
Status: Freelance
Estimated Duration: Days
Starts: Tomorrow 12/2/09
Rate: 25 per hour DOE
This role starts tomorrow 12/2 - Fri 12/4, but for the right person there is potential for this to be on-going as they are a busy place!
Dear Hiring Manager:
I’m the only person you can possibly hire. See, I’m not only a copy editor… no! I can travel through time. Therefore, I can travel back to 12/2/09 and do the job. I do have a question: will you account for any inflation that may have occurred between 2009 and now when determining my pay rate? Thanks for your… time.
Sincerely,
Me
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?
The fax machine. It endures.
We are looking for someone who has/is all or most of the following (please read entire post): (position will be full time, 9-6 M-F)
+ Presentable (may be required to attend meetings/courses/conferences)
+ Organized and Clean
+ Takes Initiative and is able to follow direction
+ Not shy, but always appropriate
A few notes:
-We are a currently a small company that is growing very quickly. We are in need of individual who is realistic about compensation and familiar with an environment for which “Not my job” does not apply.
-If you have at any time in past positions wasted the day away on social networks, games, internet browsing or shopping, please do not apply.
-We are looking for someone immideately. A brief and informal phone interview (about 10 minutes) will be conducted before we ask you to come to the office in person. This will save your time and ours.
-We need an individual who will grow with us and become an essential part of our team for the long term.
-You will have your own office (not a cubicle) which you will likely assist in setting up.
This is not a recruiting firm, telemarketing scam position, or a commissions based job offer.
(25-30K per/year range starting salary, —-NOhealth insurance / benefits at this time)
Dear Hiring Manager:
I totally want to put myself in a position where you will take full advantage of me, all for the glorious salary of between 25 and 30K per year with no health benefits. You clearly expect to have someone who never gets sick. Based on your fantastic Job Post filled with Random Capitalization, I’m guessing you need a worker bee that never gets sick and never says die. I’m ready to drag my sniffling feverish ass in to do my job and whatever other countless errands you need me to do. And I’ll never quit. Because you will own me. My loyalty is available NOW NOW NOW for a bargain price. I’m available… immideately.
With love and rockets,
Me
Summer secretary/editorial assistant in Manhattan/Maine
Summer job as amanuensis and personal assistant for professor and author of nonfiction/fiction books in Manhattan from July 9th and on an island in mid-coast Maine for the month of August. Requirements — excellent grammar and proofreading skills. Much detailed work with MS Word. English degree from top university preferred. In Maine, the assistant will live with the professor’s family and have a private room and bath by the sea with amenities such as swimming and tennis. Please send resume, listing secondary and college education, in the body of an email.
Dear Hiring Manager:
Although I truly don’t think this is a scam—okay a large part of me thinks it is—I still want to be considered for this position. See, I need a vacation and what better vacation than one I don’t have to pay money for and that involves house arrest with some dude and his family at his house. Did I mention I can’t drive and would be pretty much at your mercy? ADVENTURE!
I type 84 words per minute on my broken laptop, and average about 70 on a standard keyboard since I’m not used to it anymore. In the interest of full disclosure, I should mention that I don’t know how to play tennis. I barely shoot pool. It’s mainly my lack of coordination. However, I do enjoy swimming and could use the exercise. Two years ago, I quit smoking, and, well, it shows, if you know what I mean. So I hope you don’t mind my jiggly fat rolls coiled in the blazing red and blue colors of my Wonder Woman tankini! Yay!
Well, I look forward to meeting you. Attached is my resume and a drawing of me swimming. I’m the round one with the cape. The rest are you and your family.
Thank you for your time and I look forward to meeting you.
Best,
Me
